


faded love

by tintinwrite



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Break Up, F/F, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 19:10:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18267614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tintinwrite/pseuds/tintinwrite
Summary: at what point do you realize, this is the end?Perhaps your mind realized a long time ago, but to admit to your heart. The heart takes time. The heart cares too much to let go.Lisa looked up at her phone for the nth time in the last ten minutes. Nothing. Is this the end? Is this when I delete her number and be done with the whole thing?





	faded love

**Author's Note:**

> How I cope with bad feelings-- project them onto my ships and then write about it lol. This is more of a self-cathartic than anything else.
> 
> Sayo x Lisa | College AU | Unrequited Love

She saw her again. Standing in front of her at the line at the grocery market. Sayo meticulously lining up her cartons of orange juice and milk on the conveyor, bags of spinach and apples came next, then a roll of baguette, freshly baked.

Lisa felt her heart drop. Plummet all the way down to the floor, to the core of the earth, dragging her along. _She bought them for someone_. So she already has someone else in her life. It’s been barely a month and everything has changed. She has been replaced, switched out for a faceless silhouette. Someone who probably makes Sayo laugh, makes her feel the light of spring. 

Lisa imagined they went out for dessert, the faceless girl sitting opposite of Sayo, placing her hand on the table as if daring to be held. _Try this_ , she says. _what?_ Sayo asks, affronted. _Baguette toasted with butter— trust me, it’s good._ The girl smiles, dangles the piece right before Sayo’s mouth. _Come on,_ she urges. Sayo purses her lips, just like she always would when Lisa offers her cookies. 

_Alright, I will try one_. 

But it turns out to be more than one. The very fact that Sayo is standing there, in the grocery shop they went to all the time in college, because it was close to dorm and opens late, and this time she wasn’t buying chocolate and flour. She was buying the baguette. The faceless girl had convinced her. Converted her. Hypnotized her.

Lisa stared at the red flash of scanner working its way up the conveyor belt. _So it’s over then._

It’s been over for a while. Her brain reminded her.

Lisa curled her hands into fists. _I know that. I’m just—_

 _Hurt? Angry? Sad?_ her brain quipped. 

_No, I—_

Why was she feeling this way. _We were never together_.

 _But you thought you were._ That was true. The words never came out of Sayo’s mouth, even though the fact that they spent every minute together in those two weeks. Lisa thought they both understood, a mutual agreement, unspoken but wholly formed. How she dropped a copy of her keys into Sayo’s bag, “for convenience sake”. The way Sayo kissed her, always in the open, not caring if anyone saw. Those kisses would always waken something within her, something Lisa has not felt for a long — something she convinced herself she could not feel. 

How childish these feelings were. In retrospect when they were nothing more than a _fling_ . Lisa hated this word— _fling_. Like flinging a rock from the beachside and seeing how far it could land. The smaller the rock the further you could fling it, but the water ebbs only ever so slightly. Inconsequential. Insignificant. 

Lisa wished Sayo would turn back and see her standing there, pale faced and empty. She wanted her to see her this way so Sayo can ask, “what’s wrong?”, with her brows furrowed to show true concern. That was the only way to convince her brain that _see? She still cares for me._ And after this triumph Lisa would demurely draw her hair back and smile weakly, “nothing, just surprised to see you, that’s all.”

And perhaps, perhaps that would win her back.

The baguette forgotten in the grocery bag as they fall back into the same rhythm in the apartment once again. The happy days. Smell of fresh cookies in the air; coffee for Sayo, latte for Lisa. The nameless silhouette forgotten, broken off by a quick apologetic phone call from Sayo’s phone.

But Sayo never looked back. Lisa watched her draw out her credit card and tap briskly on the machine.

“Receipt?” The cashier asks.

“In the bag.” Sayo was already moving, in motion for her next pitstop. running errands for the faceless silhouette.

She was gone before the red scanner beeped at Lisa’s first item.

 _So that’s how it ends._ Lisa waited for the bitter tears to cloud her eyes, for the cashier to peer at her curiously and not dare to ask anything. 

The tears never came. She had spent them all, too.

\--

at what point do you realize, _this is the end_?

Perhaps your mind realized a long time ago, but to admit to your heart. The heart takes time. The heart cares too much to let go.

Lisa looked up at her phone for the nth time in the last ten minutes. Nothing. Is this the end? Is this when I delete her number and be done with the whole thing?

To just pack up her feelings in neat little packs and deposit them in the safe locked down deep in the caverns of her vena cava. The safe where she stores all her abandoned feelings. The safe where she never digs up. All the hurt she’s buried in there and tried to forget.

Does it work?

Sometimes it does. Actually, most of the time, it does.

Because Lisa wills herself to not be reminded of the past. What’s done is done. Fate has spoken, earth follows. The only thing she can do is keep herself busy, to hurry this way and that, that way her heart cannot take over. Vulnerability — it only surface right before she sleeps, when the lights are out and the last of her consciousness gently cradles her head and tells her its ok to feel.

Sayo..

It is so hard to admit that they were done.

Sayo who had become Lisa’s everything. An almost obsessive infatuation. How could that happen to Lisa? Lisa who was always the _wanted,_ not the _wantee_ . Lisa who, with one sweep of the hair, could charm any person in the room. Lisa, who could have any lover in this room right now, with her, telling her they loved her, adoring her, _worshipping her_. 

Yet she didn’t want anyone other than Sayo.

Sayo who was so stubborn. So cold and detached. So despondent. So determined. So glacial.

Sayo who sent shivers up Lisa’s spine when she looked her in the eyes, emerald shining in a frozen pool. Sayo, who never asked Lisa how her day is going, but would drop everything to practice guitar with her on a snowing february afternoon. Sayo, who would sometimes reach out and grab Lisa’s bass pick without warning, her fingers gracing Lisa’s, her hands were always warm, even when Sayo was anything but cold.

It had always been a guessing game, Lisa reflected. The two of them zig zagging around each other, in Lisa’s case, flirting, in Sayo’s case, trying. Or so Lisa thought.

_What went wrong?_

Perhaps she read the entire thing wrong. Perhaps there was never anything to begin with. Perhaps she had taken Sayo’s initiations as invitations, when they were nothing more than mere decency, social etiquettes for the polite and uninterested. She had let her own ego go to her head, how easy the boys have all been! Lisa had assumed that this would be the same, that she would be able to charm Sayo with the snap of finger, the scent of perfume as she walk past, the dazzling smile that brings down obsidian walls, the light touch of hands on shoulders.

_So there was nothing to begin with._

Perhaps this was the most hurtful admission of all. That it had all been made up in Lisa’s head. Her heart squeezed and squeezed, fabricating lies and fantasies until her mind gave in and conceded, “yes this is love.”

So she loves me too?

Pause. The Heart pushes. The brain withdrew. And with it, logic and rationality.

“She loves you too”

I knew it.

How pathetic.

Momentary happiness banking on thin threads of narcissistic self-fulfilling fantasies. Lisa leans her head against the table, she wills herself not to cry.

Out of sadness?

No, out of shame.

Shame?

Yes. I was stupid enough to believe.

What about anger?

I am all spent. Deflated like a birthday balloon popped before the party’s even started.

\--

 _I can’t stop thinking about you_. Lisa wrote in her journal. Scratched it out. Started again. 

Why is it so hard to admit that they will never be together again? In her heart, irrational and perhaps a little narcissistic, Lisa thought they had a chance of reconciliation.

_I want you to show up randomly one night at my apartment, asking the security guard to ring my phone so you can take the elevator up. I would refuse, politely decline but wishing with all my heart that you would stubbornly refuse anything but a ‘yes’. When you knock on my door I would gingerly open the lock, leaving as little space between the walls and door as I peer out._

_“what” I would say, eyes narrowing. Heart beating._

_“I want to see you” You would say, palms open and facing up as if to say, look i have nothing without you._

_“I thought we were over.”_

_“We’re not.” You lean forward, push open the door, letting yourself in._

_“You don’t get to decide that” I cross my arms, faking defense. When I want nothing more than to have you in bed with me._

_“I’m sorry.”_

Lis put down her pen. She wanted to tear the page out, burn it until she could forget. This fantasy was too good to be true, yet what is written is binding, the hope remains, however small.

Another two months until this semester ends. Her last semester. Then the vacation. Then back to ths city again.

She cant stand it. this noise. The noise inside her head, how they chorale her right before she sleeps, filling  her head with all sorts of sad, obsessive, tender thoughts.

Silence on the phone. Nothing. Not even a blunt break up message. _Hi Lisa. Sorry. We are done._ Even that would be less cruel than not saying anything. The black hole of intercommunication via satellite. Because as long as she doesnt say anything, there is still hope. A toxic, compulsive, filthy hope. 

No more.  no more.

**Author's Note:**

> Time heals all wounds.
> 
> I've been having the worst January, February, March. Couldn't think, couldn't write.   
> The best way to get over it is to spill out your guts eh? What's done is done.   
> Spring is almost here. I can let go of this winter heaviness. 
> 
> Thank you all for giving me such great support for my last sayo/lisa fic!! I'm still working on that Coffee Shop AU dw. Everything that follows this heavy, angsty fic will be light fluffy love-is-beautiful fics. 
> 
> I really want to write more college au because while I love highschool!love sayolisa I also want to explore more mature relationship between the two. College AU means drunk confessions, late-night-studying-turned-into-nightcap, accidental roommates, and roadtrips. 
> 
> Thank you for reading as always  
> -tin


End file.
